She Lives 2

Crash and Burn when Babysitting
Amanda won't talk to me again. I don't know why. I apologized even though I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for. It's an emotional rollercoaster: we get along for a day or two and then something like this happens and I'm left crying and depressed. I just recently got over my depression and suicidal-erm. suicidalness? I dunno. But yeah, I got over it. Stopped online counselling. Felt great about myself. Then last night happened. I was babysitting and we were watching Toy Story 3, which just gets me really emotional because I mean, I dunno, I guess it just makes me think of how I wish I still was a child and didn't have to grow up and that I lost my sense of imagination and stuff. So after the kid went to bed I went on facebook and saw Amanda was on and got a bit excited. She hadn't talked to me all day. I messaged her and a few seconds later it said "Seen at.." and then whatever time it was (i don't remember :/) and then she never answered. So I messaged her again. I was starting to feel my walls crashing down, knowing that she was purposefully ignoring me and read all the messages I'd sent, but really didn't care. I just felt like...I don't even know anymore I felt horrible. She makes me feel like the worst person in the world when I've done nothing wrong. And I still love her. I even said "If you care about me please message me..." and she never did. I mean, I know I should give her her space and I want to, but the reason I wanted to talk to her so badly was because I just couldn't stand that she was so mad at me...I would rather give her her space knowing she and I are okay than give her her space when she's angry as hell at me. Maybe it's cause I'm just worried if I do that she'll never come back...So anyways, I messaged her and started to go a bit crazy...I started crying and was legit begging her to talk to me. It kept popping up "Seen at..." and no reply and I'd continue to freak out and cry and finally I just lost it and shut the computer and was lying on the couch sobbing. My friend from school, Bethany, was texting me and she noticed I was upset and I had to explain the entire situation to her. She doesn't know I'm bi, nor does anyone else that lives near me really. I told Bethany I was in love with Amanda. And so she told me to call her. I did. And she was so sweet. She was so kind to me...she said things like "You know what? You're the kindest, sweetest girl I've ever met and I love you. You're like my little sister and I can't bear to see you hurting like this." and I was just sobbing my eyes out and after a while she said that she was coming over. I was babysitting at someone else's house and she came all the way, 25 minutes. She had to talk her parents into it and she came and sat with me and comforted me until I stopped crying. After she left, she didn't stop texting me until I went to bed when I got back home at about 2 in the morning. She's been texting me all day. I forgot what it felt like to have a real friend to hold you and comfort you. That's the first time anyone's taken the time to care about me and make sure that I was okay and do something for me like that in a long long time. I'm crying right now just thinking about it because I can't even believe she did that. I didn't know she even cared...and as for Amanda: I still love her. And I just want to talk to her so that I can work this out because it's driving me insane. Sometimes I swear she hurts me because she enjoys that I come back begging...but I don't know. She's so unpredictable. I'll let you know later about how things work out I suppose...and Amanda, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I don't know how much more of this I can take. And I know I've said that before, but this time I'm dead serious. You need to stop. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but if you would just tell me I'd fix it because I'd do anything for you. I love you more than anything...and I know you hate it that I do. I know you'll never love me back. I just can't stop. I don't know why. If I could, I would cause it's hurting me so much...we could finally have a normal friendship if I didn't love you like I do...and I'm sorry for that, but I really can't help it...I've never felt like this about anyone...ever. I don't want to bash you by writing this. I really don't. I just need to get this out. I feel like a bitch all the time because of some of the things you say...and maybe you don't mean it, maybe you do. I don't even know anymore. Just talk to me. That's all I ask.