Crash and Burn when Babysitting
Amanda won't talk to me again. I don't know why. I apologized even though I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for. It's an emotional rollercoaster: we get along for a day or two and then something like this happens and I'm left crying and depressed. I just recently got over my depression and suicidal-erm. suicidalness? I dunno. But yeah, I got over it. Stopped online counselling. Felt great about myself. Then last night happened. I was babysitting and we were watching Toy Story 3, which just gets me really emotional because I mean, I dunno, I guess it just makes me think of how I wish I still was a child and didn't have to grow up and that I lost my sense of imagination and stuff. So after the kid went to bed I went on facebook and saw Amanda was on and got a bit excited. She hadn't talked to me all day. I messaged her and a few seconds later it said "Seen at.." and then whatever time it was (i don't remember :/) and then she never answered. So I messaged her again. I was starting to feel my walls crashing down, knowing that she was purposefully ignoring me and read all the messages I'd sent, but really didn't care. I just felt like...I don't even know anymore I felt horrible. She makes me feel like the worst person in the world when I've done nothing wrong. And I still love her. I even said "If you care about me please message me..." and she never did. I mean, I know I should give her her space and I want to, but the reason I wanted to talk to her so badly was because I just couldn't stand that she was so mad at me...I would rather give her her space knowing she and I are okay than give her her space when she's angry as hell at me. Maybe it's cause I'm just worried if I do that she'll never come back...So anyways, I messaged her and started to go a bit crazy...I started crying and was legit begging her to talk to me. It kept popping up "Seen at..." and no reply and I'd continue to freak out and cry and finally I just lost it and shut the computer and was lying on the couch sobbing. My friend from school, Bethany, was texting me and she noticed I was upset and I had to explain the entire situation to her. She doesn't know I'm bi, nor does anyone else that lives near me really. I told Bethany I was in love with Amanda. And so she told me to call her. I did. And she was so sweet. She was so kind to me...she said things like "You know what? You're the kindest, sweetest girl I've ever met and I love you. You're like my little sister and I can't bear to see you hurting like this." and I was just sobbing my eyes out and after a while she said that she was coming over. I was babysitting at someone else's house and she came all the way, 25 minutes. She had to talk her parents into it and she came and sat with me and comforted me until I stopped crying. After she left, she didn't stop texting me until I went to bed when I got back home at about 2 in the morning. She's been texting me all day. I forgot what it felt like to have a real friend to hold you and comfort you. That's the first time anyone's taken the time to care about me and make sure that I was okay and do something for me like that in a long long time. I'm crying right now just thinking about it because I can't even believe she did that. I didn't know she even cared...and as for Amanda: I still love her. And I just want to talk to her so that I can work this out because it's driving me insane. Sometimes I swear she hurts me because she enjoys that I come back begging...but I don't know. She's so unpredictable. I'll let you know later about how things work out I suppose...and Amanda, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I don't know how much more of this I can take. And I know I've said that before, but this time I'm dead serious. You need to stop. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but if you would just tell me I'd fix it because I'd do anything for you. I love you more than anything...and I know you hate it that I do. I know you'll never love me back. I just can't stop. I don't know why. If I could, I would cause it's hurting me so much...we could finally have a normal friendship if I didn't love you like I do...and I'm sorry for that, but I really can't help it...I've never felt like this about anyone...ever. I don't want to bash you by writing this. I really don't. I just need to get this out. I feel like a bitch all the time because of some of the things you say...and maybe you don't mean it, maybe you do. I don't even know anymore. Just talk to me. That's all I ask.

I love her so much. I thought she was only treating me so meanly because her relative died. I was so wrong. She just hates me. And I can't even tell you how much that hurts. I can't stop crying. And I don't think I'm ever gonna be okay. I don't wanna have to go through all the pain and all of this horrible shit I get put through every fucking day of my life. James doesn't even want to date me. Who would? I'm clingy, suicidal, stupid, ugly...half the people I've dated have dated me out of sympathy. And the other two were jerks who just wanted my body. And I don't have any real friends anymore. I used to have so many friends that I could choose from to have over at my house or to go places with. I don't have any of that anymore. I don't even have most of my internet friends anymore. James was right, I'm completely head over heels for Amanda. I love her. And now my heart is broken worse than it's ever been before. If I don't log back in...I just don't wanna talk to anyone for a while. I never wanted to live this moment. Ever. So and me, same person, you know that. But I won't log back in for...idk...it depends on a few things, but I won't log in for a bit. I've never felt this way ever; not once in my entire life. So goodbye for a bit...

Lyrics and Preciously Awkward Memories
Telling your ex-girlfriend that you have a crush on someone is an awkward conversation in itself. It's even more awkward when both you and your ex are crushing on the same person. And even MORE awkward when you know the crush we have on the same person is bad for her because he already likes me. Oh awkward. How I hate the way that word/emotion controls my life. Yes, James has a crush on me. Yes, Crystal and I both are crushing on him. Yes, my life was going back down on the rollercoaster again. However, I happen to be lucky. Crystal has a crush on another person too, so it's all good. It should be easy for her to get over James right? Hopefully...wow it'll be fun to tell her that James likes me back. When life gives you lemons, don't tell the lemons that her crush is crushing on you and you're crushing back. That might not end well...fuck the lemons! It's official. I'm screwed. On the brighter side, me and my other friend, May, have made up and are good friends again. She's like my little sister. And she's one of the things I need, along with James, to get me back on the right track again.
Craving badly: To talk to Amanda...

So I was watching that show, "Awkward". Jenna, the main character, is completely misunderstood and so she writes daily journals about stuff that happened. I know no one's gonna pay attention to these, but I'm going to write a new journal almost everyday. The title of all of these will be "she lives" but i might have to put a number after it *shrug*. So here goes my first one.
Awkward and Solitary Confinement.
My best friend's name is Amanda. She's nice, when she wants to be...Well right now, a relative of hers died. And so I've been trying to give her space. But I'm worried. What if I give her too much space? I mean...she's been depressed before...and she is so unpredictable..Anyways. I texted her and it was just so...awkward...the entire atmosphere of our conversation just made me want to pass out from boredom. I didn't want to give up on her, but it was just starting to seem impossible to get anywhere in this conversation. So naturally, I tried to bring up a story we'd previously written, only to get a nasty response from her. Ouch...it hurt...but I figured she's still in the grief/hurting stage of the whole death of her relative thing going on right now. So I'm leaving her alone. James, a boy who was friends with Amanda first and then through her met me, is super sweet and adorable and I just wanna hug him to death he's so nice to me. I think I might have stressed him out too much. Which makes me really upset and unsure of what to do anymore. James didn't want to talk to me for a while, but while I'm on this emotional roller coaster I need him the most, so I've been trying to keep a conversation going so I don't go absolutely insane. My ex-girlfriend (yes I'm bi), Crystal, used to be a complete pain in my ass after we broke up. I broke up with her because...well she lives across the country, along with Amanda and James, so I obviously didn't think it would work. After breaking up with her she was extremely mean to me...to the point where I was screaming and crying in my bathroom. But that's all forgiven now, we've moved on, and we're friends. I don't think it's a mistake so far...but I'm hoping it stays under control.
I feel like I'm in solitary confinement. My emotions are at least. The true ones stay inside while fake emotions play on the outside. I'm fake in front of my parents and my sister and my real friends that live in this state with me. I'm just one big mess in other words: depressed, anxious, angry, confused...Being a teenager just sucks. Maybe the world will someday grow to know the real me. The real Elisabeth. Or...maybe not.
Mood: Lonely
Craving badly: A cuddle *sigh*